6 months ago today I lost a best friend, a person who I turned to for advice, a fighter & the strongest mother I'll ever know. They always say this 6 marker is the toughest to get through. I'm finding it to be true. The numbness of the roller coaster ride has worn off. So many feelings & emotions, its hard to even begin to explain. I decided to write this post to maybe help myself cope with the day.
Losing my mother has changed the way I see the world & has definitely took a toll on me as a person. Trying to wrap my head around it all is almost an impossible task. It’s true what they say, you can never really understand what it’s like until it happens to you. I read once losing a mother is like the sky suddenly falling down. The sky is always there & always will be. You never expect it to go away. In my case, that's how I saw my mom. Sure, she had cancer for 11 years, but every year she made it through. The moment we got the news, it was literally like the sky fell. Something that had been there my entire life, gone. The person who carried me, who gave up her dreams for me, who I turned to for advice, who'd slap me around when I was out of line, who I laughed & cried with, I will never get back. .
These past months without her have been hell. I'd be lying if I didn't say there's a lot of hate inside me. Grasping I can't pick up the phone to call her for the recipe I forgot again. Only to find myself calling my voicemail to listen to the message I STILL have on my phone just to hear her voice. Going to malls, seeing mothers and daughters there together, feeling myself get jealous inside. TV shows we used to email about while at work. Business adventures I want so badly to share with her. Sitting on the porch, sometimes saying nothing at all. My every day life has changed. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't feel the pain of her being gone.
My mom had asked me a few months before things had gotten really bad to take a picture of the cotton wood tree on their farm. Many memories tied into each branch. I never got around to doing it while she was still alive, but the last time I went to farm I remembered to grab my camera. The sun was shinning through that tree like I had never seen before. I'd like to think it was like mom knew I was there to finally getting that photo for her. On my way home, I happened to notice the train parked by our house. I pulled over and just cried. It read "Keep off tha beaten path I reign" Mom knew I always did. For her, I always will. It's what she always taught me.
I can't thank my husband, family, and my friends who are my family for helping me through this. I know it hasn't been easy for you either. Mom, these pictures are for you. Sending many hugs & kisses up to the sky...
What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.
No comments:
Post a Comment